I Am Who I Am

Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you…”

Exodus 3 v 13-14

In about three weeks time, people will start to declare their New Year’s Resolutions; perhaps promising to go to the gym more often in a bid to get fitter and healthier, to cut back on the amount  or type of “rubbish” food that is normally indulged in or even taking the decision to just “be a better person”.

I’m quite skeptical about New Year’s Resolutions- hence why I rarely make one. I don’t understand why people decide to change their lives just because it’s coming up to a new year. In my opinion, change (And the will to change- in whatever form that may take) should be a continuous process.

There have been times when I’ve wanted to change who I am; wanted to change the (Sometimes false) image of how people view me and wanted to change my very being (My public attitude- and possibly my private attitude…). Sometimes I really get the adrenaline pumping and think, “Yes! Change! Change!” and sometimes I just think to myself, “You know what-there’s no point- I am who I am…”.

But who am I?

Who are you…?

I think there are people (Myself included) who hide behind smoke and mirrors; who pull a cape over their face to disguise their true identity to the world and who are far different “behind closed doors” than when “out in the open”.

I’ve heard the following phrase quite a few times, “It’s the quiet ones you have to watch”.

Why exactly is that? Do people think that those who are quiet are monsters behind closed doors? Or do people think that they are sadists…?

I once saw a poster for the Fantasy trilogy novels called, “Monster Blood Tattoo”. The tag line read:

Not all monsters look like monsters…

Some everyday folk are the worst monsters of all…

Admittedly, I haven’t read the books, so I can’t say what they’re like.

I do think it’s true, though, that it’s hard to judge someone based only on what you know of them; on how they’ve perceived themselves towards you.

Last Sunday evening on television I watched a bit of the first Spiderman movie. I’ve never saw any of the Spiderman movies before, but of what I watched my first impressions were that it was very good. In many ways, I could really identity with and feel sympathetic towards the main character, Peter Parker- a stereotypical “nerd” who is excluded from the “cool crowd” at school and who is more interested in Science and academic work than in sports, combing his hair back or chatting up the girls.

However, his life changes when he is bitten by a genetically engineered spider and (More-or-less) gains new superhero powers and abilities.

Yet, despite this, he keeps his second life as a hero a secret from others; who are none the wiser regarding who he really is.

During one of the trailers for Spiderman 3, Peter Parker (Toby McGuire), says:

Whatever battle we have raging inside us…we always have a choice…

Who am I?

I’m Spiderman…

For Peter Parker, his alter ego was “Spiderman”- a form he could take to disguise who he really was; which gave him the chance to change the world around him, all without others knowing his true identity.

There is an advertisement for the phone company, Orange, in which the cyclist, Mark Beaumont, cycles on an exercise bike in the middle of four screens, which are all running video clips of stand-out moments in his life. In the advert Mark Beaumont reflects on his cycling life and those who helped him get to where he is today. At the end of it he says:

I am who I am…because of everyone…

I wonder if people really know who they are. What would you (Or, indeed, I) write if we were to describe ourselves? What you, or I, put after, “I am…”?

• I am…nice…?
• I am…honest…?
• I am…truthful…?
• I am…sincere…?
• I am…loving…?
• I am…caring…?

I’m sure most people would say the above- after all, most people don’t like to have a low opinion of themselves or want others to have low opinions of them.

But are we as quick to say, “I am not who you think I am…”?

Do people believe that I am a nice, honest, truthful, sincere, loving and caring Human Being? What would give them that impression? By my outward appearance? Not necessarily by how I look, but by how I behave- what I say and do?

Instead of telling others, “I am…”, could I be as quick to say, “I am not…” or “I don’t really…”?

• I am not…a nice guy…?
• I am not…fond of you…?
• I don’t really…care about you…?
• I don’t really…think you’re nice…?

Do people think that they know the “real me”?

I have sometimes wanted to write an autobiographical account of my life experiences. I think it’s only really when you’re a little bit older do you realise, or have a better understanding of, what happened in the past- why something happened the way it did, why it didn’t happen some other way etc.

I don’t know what the title of my (Theoretical) autobiography would be. How would I personally sum up my Life? What quote would I use?

To be honest, I have always loved the following quote, and while it is somewhat directed towards the Prophet Isaiah, I believe it still rings true today:

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43 v 2-3

At the end of each year, I like to look back at what happened in my Life and reflect on it:

• What happened in my relationships- did I meet new people and make new friends? Did I ever tell someone I loved them? Did I ever want to tell someone I loved them but held myself back because I was too scared or unsure to tell them…?
• What happened to my attitude to Life- did I become more tolerable or intolerable towards things? Did I become more or less appreciative of the things in Life; the beauty of Nature, the stars, my friends, my family etc.?
• What happened to my Beliefs- did I reflect on my long-held beliefs about…well…whatever I believed…? Did I challenge them in anyway? Did I change them in any way…? Did I challenge others in any way…?
• Where did I go to this year- did I end up somewhere I never thought I would? Am I happy where I am? Where and what do I hope to go and do next year?

I think it’s safe to say that 2008 has been quite a year for me. I think it’s been a year in which I have really changed…

At the end of October I asked a girl out for coffee- granted, she turned it down because she wasn’t free at the time, but I never imagined that I would have done such a thing. I also started learning to drive a car this year and have gotten quite good at it. I turned eighteen at the end of July (Still haven’t had any alcohol, yet, though…!) and saw my cousin get married earlier that same month. I sat exam resits in May and June and passed them, allowing me to return to school. I have gotten a lot fitter physically after having taking up jogging and some weight-lifting. I have bonded with my family and friends a whole lot better. I went to Wembley Stadium, London, in August with my Dad to see a Football (Soccer) match. I have improved in the social arena (Though, it’s still an ongoing process) and I have challenged my Christian beliefs enormously (And I intend to keep doing so).

That, I believe, is only a fraction of the things I have done this year…Of course, starting and maintaining this Blog has also been one of them…

To be honest, and as strange as it may sound, I will be really sad to see this year go. At the end of some years, you think to yourself, “Oh, thank goodness this year’s over, it was a nightmare” but I can’t say that I feel that way about this year- it really will have a special place in my heart. In fact, in all truthfulness, I think that it will be very hard for any incoming year to top 2008- that’s how great it’s been.

That’s not to say that I’m not optimistic about 2009 or 2010, or any other future year, but that what’s happened in this year, 2008, will (In my opinion) be hard to top…

I’m not a big fan of them, but I quite like Green Day’s song, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. It may sound like an odd song to talk about when thinking about past successes and future hopes, but there are a few particular sections of the song that I like, namely:

I walk a lonely road,
The only one that I have ever known.
Don’t know where it goes,
But it’s home to me and I walk alone.

I walk this empty street,
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Where the city sleeps,
and I’m the only one and I walk alone.

To me, I feel like I’m on a road at the moment and just like the singer in the song, I have no idea where it leads to. I think it’s very tempting to get carried away and say to yourself, “Right, in 2009, I’m going to do X, Y and Z!”, but how do you know that there will even be a 2009 for you? For me…?

While I’m not trying to be pessimistic or trying to discourage people from having Hopes and Dreams, I don’t think it’s right either to look too far ahead into your life because you don’t even know that there will be a tomorrow. OK, unless you have some serious health problems or get knocked down by a car or something else, chances are you’ll live to see tomorrow, but it’s not guaranteed. Again, I’m not suggesting that everyone shouldn’t live their lives for fear of Death, but I do believe that people should live their lives as if there is no tomorrow.

I don’t want people to take what I say out of context; when I say that you (And I) should live as if there is no tomorrow, I don’t mean that we should all get ourselves drunk to Death, drugged up on illegal substances and be inconsiderate towards others. I mean that we appreciate Life more often- the simple fact that we even have Life to appreciate is a joy in itself.

Charles R. Swindoll, a Christian pastor, once said about attitude:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Likewise, the author, Ashley Smith, once said:

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

So, what do I hope to do in 2009?

Well, I hope to go on to University and do either Theology or Philosophy and I hope to pass my exams and get the grades needed to do said courses. Whether that will happen or not, I don’t know. I’m determined to make it happen, though. As for what else lies in store for me, only Time will tell…

The concept of going on a journey through Life is an interesting one, to say the least. I think each person’s journey is different and no two the same.

In “The Fellowship of The Ring” by J.R.R. Tolkien, Bilbo Baggins leaves his home, Bag End, and travels to the elven sanctuary of Rivendell. When heading off on his journey he sings:

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

I suppose decision-making and Life in general is a bit like stopping at a crossroads in a car. You can either go left, right or straight on; but you can’t really go back the way you came, unless there are no vehicles behind you and the road is clear. If you are in a car and you stop for too long at a crossroad, the people in the vehicles behind you will gradually start to get impatient- you can’t stay there forever.

Likewise, I believe that Life is too short to always consider which way to go, because if you do always put things off and hold back from making decisions, people (And yourself) will eventually start to get impatient. I believe there comes a time when you just have to make a decision and live with the consequences- whether the consequences were what you anticipated or not.

Who am I today? Who will I be tomorrow, next week, next month, this time next year or even this time in ten years? Will I even be alive in ten years time…?

I think there are some people who wind up all their lives trying to change themselves, trying to change who they are: their personality, their looks, their Social status/position and even their job, that they forget to appreciate the finer things in Life: the sunset, the stars, the moon, the wind, the snow, the rain, a hug, a kiss, a smile…

I will admit, I may not be the most talkative person in public; I may not be the most exciting person to be around or to meet; I may not have a hundred and one friends; I may not be as popular or as recognisable as my sisters and parents; I may screw up big time in front of others and make an utter fool of myself; I may be found sitting or wandering around on my own lost in thought; I may be a very private person and not open up much to others and I may not have a lot of speaking confidence (or self-esteem) at times- but I know for a fact that…

I am who I am…

…and personally speaking? I wouldn’t have it any other way…

I love the story of Moses going to Pharaoh and leading the Israelites out of Egypt. It’s one of those stories that has a timeless quality to it.

In the Book of Exodus, it talks about Moses having a conversation with God through a burning bush, in which God tells Moses to rescue the Israelites from the slavery of the Egyptians. Moses insists that God sends someone else- that he himself is insignificant and unworthy. While the story does conflict a bit with my belief that no-one is “called” to do or say certain things, I can’t help but admire the Moral of the story and, in a lot of ways, it is quite inspirational:

Moses said to the Lord: ‘Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.’ The Lord said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; and I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.’

But Moses said, ‘Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.’ Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses…

Exodus 4 v 10-14

I think it’s understandable to feel sympathetic towards Moses- he’s being told to lead a people, the Israelites, out of slavery and oppression, to challenge the might and power of the Egyptian Empire and that of Pharaoh (A very risky business in itself, which could mean Death- the Pharaoh was believed to be half-man, half-god) and to do all of this with not a lot of confidence and little self-esteem. It’d be interesting to know what went through Moses’ mind.

I don’t know if it’s “irony” as such, but I actually think that I’ve revealed more of myself on this Blog possibly than I ever will Socially. Saying that, though, the Written Word has always been a love of mine…

Maybe some day I will write an autobiographical account of my Life, whether here on my Blog or in private. Who would want to read it, though, I have no idea. Maybe the title could be called, “The Man/Face Behind The Words”…

I’m not really interested, though, in who or what I am- I have a fair idea of who I am. What I want to know is…

Who are you…?